The Deleted Scenes
by Flying Faraway
Summary: This is a special collection of comic and a tiny bit cynical,  half-serious,  additional flash scenes which feature various characters and themes. Potential OOCness. Now! Action… and…and cut! Cut! Cuuuuuuuuuuuut!
1. Fateful Rehearsal

**The Fateful Rehearsal **

**

* * *

**

The early morning before the bloody Uchiha massacre. The birds are leisurely bathing in the warm rays of the sun, while eying hungrily the carefree butterflies that are fluttering from one nectar jar to another, some lonely hawk is hovering high above the land, looking out for his own breakfast among predator's weaker smaller kin. Ah! What a perfect image of the food chain. And young Itachi Uchiha is standing tragically in the centre of his gloomy chamber, gripping a shiny brainpan of a nameless victim (or belonging to an ancestor, who knows) in his extended right hand.

"To kill or not to kill. That is the question…" he exclaims uncertainly, absorbed in the complicated dilemma. Unfortunately, the poor silent "Yorick" won't bestow a piece of advice upon the elder son of Fugaku.

"Brother, I…" all of a sudden the door is swung open by the clan leader's youngest child.

Itachi blinks and sighs at the lack of manners and the absurdity of his disclosure. Sasuke blinks and gulps at the surprising and quite grotesque sight. The elder sibling swiftly tries to erase the awkward situation and hides the talking-buddy behind his back. But, apparently, it's too late…

"Brother, what have you been doing with that?" the seven-year-old curiously asks. Itachi curses the natural cognitive need of this delicate age.

"That?" he pretends no to hear clearly in order to verify Sasuke's guess. "And what have I told you about invading my privacy?"

"The skull", his brother specifies, frowning, catching the nervous tone in Itachi's voice. He dejectedly mumbles "Knock first, wait for the authorization, then proceed to enter".

"Oh, that shaaaam skull", Itachi fakes an easy laugh (because the Uchiha never lose their wits even in the most embarrassing circumstances, like concealing their tears furiously rubbing their eyes, explaining their actions as a classical method to awake sharingan, for example). "I'm actually rehearsing a part of a play for the ANBU annual fest."

"But, brother, why haven't you told me about such an amazing tradition? Can I watch your performance too?" Sasuke sounds too much enthusiastic for Itachi's expectations.

"Sorry, it's not allowed. Obviously, because it's a top-secret. So you can't leak this important information to others, including our mother and father. Do you understand, Sasuke? " Itachi says, while contemplating the consequences of the unplanned usage of Tsukiyomi .

"Of course", Sasuke sharply nods, wearing an expression of disappointment. "And the brainpan?"

"Well, every respectable Uchiha keeps at least one skeleton in his closet", Itachi coughs, wincing at the suggestive excuse.

"I want my skeleton too!" Sasuke demands in a spoiled manner.

"You'll get yours when you turn sixteen, little brother" the elder sibling promises and kindly smiles at Sasuke's naivety. "Now leave or you'll be late for your first lesson".

* * *

"I can't murder my little brother. So the only reasonable option is to eliminate all targets before Sasuke returns from the academy. Well, the fate of Uchiha clan has been sealed, hasn't it?" the young agent whispers, putting the skull away.

The crimson curtain falls.

* * *

_The second and the third miniatures are "The Supreme Law" (Sakura, Yamato, Naruto) and "Kakashi's Dream" (Kakashi, his three inquisitive subordinates)._


	2. Supreme Law

**The Supreme Law**

**

* * *

**

"Naruto!" Sakura screams and immediately rushes to her heavily injured comrade's side. Worried Yamato silently approaches the unconscious jinchuuriki and the frantic medic who should be tending to his wounds. Should be. Sakura appears to be frozen with a confused expression on her face. The confusion soon changes into evident revolt.

"What's wrong, Sakura?" their captain asks, trying to dispel her stupor.

"This is wrong!" states the kunoichi, outlining with the forefinger the whole form of her patient. Noticing that Yamato doesn't catch her drift, she elaborates "Look more closely at Naruto!"

"His skin is badly burnt and his organs must have been damaged too", concludes Yamato from his examination.

"Exactly! His integument is burnt," exclaims Sakura and the man beside her questions girl's sanity (after all, she did fall on the bridge and hit her head hard). "Unlike his clothes and hair!"

"So… you just wanted to see him naked and bald?" Yamato inquires, emphasizing the "naked" part.

"No! Why would I want something like that", Sakura denies (blushing and glancing away) in indignation. "But it's impossible. It's against the physical laws of nature! "

"Hm, that. It's easy to explain. Physical laws are nothing compared to the great power of Censure!" Yamato wisely points out.

"Oh… I forgot about the Censure" Sakura admits, satisfied with the iron reason, and begins healing her partner.

"But I'll tell Naruto later that you feel disappointed about not being able to admire his bare, appealing torso" the wood master chuckles, thinking about the ratings and how it would be profitable to show Naruto's upper half, glistening with the drops of water.

"… you" Sakura mutters, being muffled by the Censure.

* * *

_Review, please! _

_**The next ones are "Kakashi's Dream" and "Ramen vs. Everything"(Jiraya, Naruto)**_


	3. Kakashi's Dream

**Kakashi's Dream **

* * *

_Me? My name is Hatake Kakashi. I have no intentions of telling you my likes and dislikes. As for my dreams… I have a few hobbies. _

_ Kakashi Hatake. Episode 4 _

_

* * *

_

_ I really want to know!_

_ Naruto Uzumaki, Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha. Episode 101_

_

* * *

_

"Say, Kakashi-sensei", the tow-haired protagonist hopefully calls, exhausted from beating about the bush.

"Hm?" their tormenter responds, temporally tearing his attention from a particularly steamy passage in "Icha Icha Violence" .

"What's under that mask?" the boy asks in a direct manner, while his partners in crime stand still.

"Do you want to see what's under the mask?" echoes Kakashi, a little bit surprised at the team's enthusiasm (and about such a trivial thing) and pleased with the degree of intrigue concerning his persona.

"Definitely", Naruto exclaims.

"You should have told me earlier", the jounin sighs, remembering the unlucky hunt for the secret and how paranoid the hellish trio made him feel.

"Show us, please!" Sakura begs, clearly displaying her interest too. Uchiha keeps his nonchalant demeanor, but is eager inside.

"Sure!" Kakashi easily agrees.

"Eeeeeeeh!" three shocked (and high-pitched) cries pierce his ears.

"Such ado about nothing", he reproaches the young generation and teasingly drawls: "Under this mask is…"

Mental images flash in front of the teens.

"Really thick lips" Sakura imagines and frowns.

"Ugly buckteeth" Sasuke anticipates and shudders.

"A tiny mouth" Naruto forecasts and looks forward to the amusement.

Their captain removes the black cloth and…

"Another mask", he chuckles.

"WHAT!" they shout in chorus.

"Ah-ha-ha-ha... " Kakashi laughs to discharge the atmosphere from the tension and explains further: "It's my special trick "The endless masquerade". I have practiced this art since my early childhood…"

"Really?" the kunoichi asks incredulously, being the first one to collect herself.

"Yes, I've always wished to become a circus magician! But due to family circumstances I had to let go of my golden dream", the copy-ninja confesses, a bit embarrassed.

"You're joking, right?" Naruto tries to press for the truth.

"Nope…" Kakashi shakes his head.

"Oh, that's a sad story" Sakura gives him a comforting smile.

"It's disturbing, actually" Sasuke grumbles under his nose. "Curiosity killed the cat".

"Let's change the subject, then" Kakashi slyly suggests.

"Yes!" the three of them gladly accept their teacher's idea.

* * *

_After the adventures in the "Guardians of the Crescent Moon Kingdom__" movie._

On their way back to the village all three genins carefully observe their captain, who can't stop giggling for some strange reason.

"What's his problem? He is not even reading that second-rate novel. What a creepy fellow", Naruto whispers to his silent companion, who only nodes and adds one word: "Annoying".

"You two, how can you act in such an insensitive manner?" Sakura hisses and gives the blond a hard clip on the back of his head (pardoning beloved Sasuke, of course). "Have you already forgotten about our teacher's pink dream?"

_"Finally, those scenarists granted me a chance for my self-actualization!_ _Lights, fame, applause"_ Kakashi happily chants within his mind and the corner of his visible eye curls upwards once more.

"You mean becoming a circus freak?" Sasuke says in a deadpan voice.

Suddenly they hear a cough behind their back. All three nervously turn their heads to a radiant face of their mentor.

"I have decided to establish my own circus in Konoha", Kakashi suddenly announces. "And I've assigned important parts to my precious subordinates. While I'll perform as a conjurer, Sakura…"

"Me?" the kunoichi squeals.

"You'll play the role of my attractive assistant and Sasuke…"

"Hn", the great Avenger grunts, disliking the funny direction of the plans.

"You'll be the fakir", Kakashi informs his favorite and pats him on the crown.

"And me? What about me?" Naruto asks, impatiently as always.

"You, my boy, will perform as a chimpanzee", the Jounin answers after a short pause.

"But… but…" the orange menace whines and objects: "I don't want to be a monkey!"

"Naruto, you know, a chimpanzee is not an average monkey, it is quite intelligent and crafty" Kakashi tries to convince his stubborn apprentice.

"All right!" Naruto shouts and the two remaining (sane) genins sweatdrop.

* * *

_Review-review-review! _


	4. Ramen vs Everything

**Ramen vs. Everything**

**

* * *

**

Needing a certain sum of ryo for the habitual evening entert… ahem… information gathering, Jiraya, to his dismay, finds his pockets bankrupt and the check book nowhere to be spotted. He could coax the financial support out of his generous (but not as benevolent) apprentice, if the said fidget hasn't also been missing, training byakugan knows where… training or devouring his ramen. The sannin sighs and his glance absent-mindedly roams about their temporary shelter.

"Ah-ha! Lucky me!" Jiraya chuckles, having detected Naruto's holdall. The greedy man drags it from under the table and begins rummaging unceremoniously among another's possessions. Ten cups of ramen, two pairs of chopsticks, one coupon for a free lunch at Ichiraku stand, three pairs of underwear later… he discovers the frog wallet (with the useless amount of two coins in its abdomen) and a thin notebook. The last finding inflames the sannin's curiosity because as far as he knows, Naruto Uzumaki rarely writes one character in a month, considering that the boy saves his grammar skills for personal autographs (future autographs, that is). So the toad monk smirks in genuine delight and opens the notebook. He scans the writing on the first page and questions his own shrewdness regarding his apprentice's intelligence.

"_The Treatise on Ramen Properties. By Naruto Uzumaki, the most astute connoisseur in all the Elemental Lands". _

"The theme is something to be expected, dubious and silly, but the choice of words is interesting, indeed", concludes the author of "Icha Icha" series and switches over to the following introduction.

"_It is necessary to start my work by listing traits of my favorite dish, comparing it to other stuff in author's existence. For __everything is known_ through _comparison. That is the opinion I have formed while my mentor has been explaining to me diligently the detailed differences between a C-cup and a B-cup for the tenth time__". _

"That's my godson!" Jiraya exclaims with pride. "He has style!" He continues reading.

"_Ramen vs. milk. Ramen nearly never expires and gets spoilt. Unlike milk. I hate suffering from the concept of a severe diarrhea."_

"_Ramen vs. Konoha. Ramen does not stare at its eater and judges his behavior". _

"_Ramen vs. position of Hokage. Ramen does not demand doing the infinite avalanche of paperwork. You need to read only three simple lines of instruction on the back of the package"._

"_Ramen vs. Sasuke. Ramen won't run away, seeking vengeance and trying to __electrocute__ its best friend at any convenient moment. Correction: it is true if ramen was not produced by Orochimaru, the sleazy bastard can defile anything.". _

"_Ramen vs. women (Sakura, baa-chan, etc.). Ramen is predictable, it won't pound you violently into the ground and you have to wait only three or five minutes for it to be ready. Moreover, there are no gloomy days in every month when you can't eat ramen". _

"That's a witty remark", Jiraya agrees and remembers, slightly trembling, Tsunade's last red date.

"_Ramen vs. perverts (Kakashi-sensei). __Ramen won't look at you with the scary smiling Eye. It has no eyes, thanks kami". _

"_Ramen vs. Orochimaru. RAMEN IS NOT EVIL! And has no snakes inside"._

The last thesis is something Jiraya has anticipated the most, so he reads, holding his breath and feeling too anxious for his own reputation of the flippant sannin.

"_Ramen vs. Ero-sennin. Ramen doesn't yield to the three greatest sins. It won't confiscate your money, woo (in vain) every skirt or wake late with the most painful hangover… _"

"Hey, I'm not that bad, imp!" the monk resents and frowns. But soon his expression changes…

"_But despite all its advantages, ramen can't teach you the right nindo. And that is its only flaw"._

"Naruto…" cries Jiraya, tears of joy streaming down his cheeks. "You're so… so…"

"Ero-sennin! What are you doing with my notebook!" his blond apprentice angrily screams, standing in the doorway. "Rasengan!"

"So surprising", Jiraya mutters and braces himself for the inevitable impact.


	5. Special Delivery

_Orochimaru, Kabuto, and others… _

**

* * *

**

**The Special Delivery **

**

* * *

**

Kabuto hears a familiar creepy echo and cringes: yet another groan has travelled through the labyrinth corridors of the secret base, violently shaking the assistant's auditory hairs and agitating his temporal lobes to the core. Obviously, His Longevity isn't very fond of waiting, especially when the issue concerns the delivery of his next "chosen vessel" or spaghetti cooking. Kabuto's patience is currently wearing thin (tending to zero, exactly) but for the entirely different reason; for weeks he has been attending upon that fretful, acrid, grumpy antique sannin, tolerating his megalomania, gerontophobia, and pedophilic inclinations, while constantly reminding himself about his grand ambitions. Thus, such a stressful service has resulted in a pair of trembling hands, a twitching of his left palpebra and a detailed list of the most sophisticated killing methods. Three more ear-piercing screams and two broken test tubes later, Kabuto sighs and stands from his armchair, at the same time catching something interesting on one of the tracking monitors: the outer camera (number 21) shows a big round barrel, with seal-papers pasted over.

"The blasted barrel! At last! Those four slugs have somehow managed to make it in time!" he rejoices, noticing that the only odd thing about the bright news is the apparent absence of the freaky quartet.

"Something's fishy about it… but then again, maybe those cowardly minions got scared away (and turned missing missing-nin), because recently Orochimaru-sama is nothing but a stick or… in his case, a snake in the ass. Who cares about the delivery guys, anyway!" Kabuto rationalizes and mentally waves away the gut feeling of wrongness. So the sannin's only "working hand" hurries to the exit, cautiously peeps through the entrance pupil for good measure (being the paranoiac type), keys in a code, and finally opens the steel doors.

"Nothing, except for the barrel", the four-eyes states and lifts it. Tries to lift it, but the barrel doesn't leave the ground…

"What the… it weighs like two Mandas with a hundred sacrifices in their maw" Kabuto exclaims, searching for the possible explanations in his mind: is it the additional lead walls to minimize the radiation from the first stages of transformation, or the boy has been gulping down proteins nonstop to become even stronger? Either way… he needs a trolley, some brute force, and a protective suit… or gloves, at least.

* * *

Both Kabuto and Orochimaru are eyeing the barrel anxiously. The assistant is being hesitant and nervous about the perspective, while his excited master is smiling, anticipating the pleasant sensation of crawling inside the young, virgin body of "Sasuke-kun".

"Well, what are you standing here like an useless exhibit… proceed!" the boss hisses the command.

"Why is it always me!" the assistant mutters, but obeys the order. "I have my gloves on, I have my gloves on, I have my gloves on…"

He carefully removes the lid, waiting for a mutant to pop up, but… surprisingly, the contents are inanimate, and…

"Kabuto! Have you swallowed your tongue? What's inside?" Orochimaru demands impatiently.

"Books… lots of books", a dumbfounded Kabuto answers after a short pause. "And it's not a henge, I'm sure of it".

"What books?" Orochimaru's "velvety" baritone sounds suddenly too malicious even for the antagonist's standards.

"How to put it… these look like "Icha Icha" series, the erotic novels, written by your ex…"

"That clown… *censure*… *censure*…" Orochimaru lets out a long string of exquisite anatomic curses and his follower gets an opportunity to upgrade his vocabulary of foul language.

"Oh, there are two short letters, addressed to me and you, should I read them or dispose of the "gift" immediately?" Kabuto asks after a while, trying to gulp down his curiosity and… amusement.

"Humour me and then burn the abused cellulose", his master says suddenly, having calmed down.

"_Dear Kabuto-kun! Unfortunate rumors have reached me regarding the well-being of my old comrade. He's probably losing his last wits, lying in bed, being bored and deprived of conducting nasty experiments. So out of the kindness of my heart I send you the remaining five hundred signed copies of my latest masterpieces. Enjoy! The most generous sannin, legendary toad sage and Konoha unfading sex-symbol, Jiraya-sama_".

"The next time we meet, I'll pay him courteously back", Orochimaru sneers. "Now, the second one!"

"It's more laconic and… dubious", Kabuto warns. "Only three points. _Firstly, because I still care. Secondly, Tsunade-hime once told me that hands wither and eventually fall off due to excessive onanism, so be moderate in this addicting department, Oro-chan_". Kabuto fogs his snicker in a cough and continues with a poker face "_Thirdly, the gods will punish you if you use my wonderful novels as toilet paper_".

"Hah, as if! I'll touch this tasteless shit the day I'll die and rot", the snake sannin growls. "Kabuto, bring me my spaghetti and a fuel can".

"Never say never", the grey-haired assistant ironically whispers and sighs about irritating errands.

* * *

_And where is my manna from heaven (reviews)? Don't you have any suggestions or comments? *T_T*  
_

_**Chapter 6: Winged Obscenity (Sai, Gai, Kakashi, Madara, and others)**_

_**Chapter 7: ****Curiosity Kills (Naruto, Ino, Sakura, Tenten, Hinata, and others)**_


	6. Winged Obscenity

**Winged Obscenity **

**

* * *

**

Sitting on the back of his ink falcon, Sai has been dutifully concentrating on the guide of polite speech for beginners in order to grasp the concept of "common sense" and "adequate response" during all short intervals between his numerous missions. Being fully absorbed in the subtle art of conversation, the agent hasn't noticed his new fellow flyer.

"So… I shouldn't address the Dickless as Dickless", Sai loudly exclaims and furrows his brow.

"Ahou!" a vaguely familiar creature, clothed in feathers, hoots. The lean ninja looks to the left and plasters the trademark smile on his pale face.

"Mr. Bird, you don't start a dialogue with a stranger in such an uncivil manner. Only those dickless do…" Sai decides to reprimand his chance companion.

"Dickless! Dickless!" the bird eagerly repeats, opening its large beak.

"Please, be so kind to refrain from…" the young man tries to diplomatically convince it otherwise, but the bird suddenly flies off. "… cursing".

"Dickless! Dickless!" He can clearly hear the distant cries.

"Am I responsible for this awkward situation?" Sai poses a rhetorical question, being as perplexed as ever.

* * *

Madara Uchiha has been having a nostalgic reunion with his oldest and most bitter enemy in the Valley of the End .

"Your only achievement is a petty victory in a battle against me one hundred years ago, but I'm going to win the future war and dominate the entire world! Mhahaha! " the Orange Mask proclaims in a deep voice to the apathetic monument of the first Hokage. "Your clan, Senju, once cheated to bring me down, for I would have defeated your lot easily if I had not been… "

"Dickless!" the stone statue mocks Uchiha unexpectedly.

"It's alive!" Tobi screams in horror and vanishes.

"Ahou! Ahou!" the same ugly bird comments, idly cleaning its plumes.

* * *

Jiraya, having obtained a new useful piece of information, habitually jumps through the window in the Hokage's office and, to his surprise, finds himself tackled to the floor by a furious Tsunade.

"I'll show you that I'm not an old dickless hag on menopause!" she yells with a determined fire in her honey orbs and lashes out.

Forty minutes of passionate argument later.

"Tsunade, it's not like I am not happy about such a… ahem… spontaneous delightful development between us , but why?" the toad sannin asks, while trying to collect his scattered clothes.

"I've always had a soft spot for you in my… heart and all these years of loneliness I've regretted not giving you a proper chance…" the disheveled woman answers, picking up the fallen papers.

"And the real reason is…" Jiraya presses, knowing that there must be a considerable catalyst.

"It's that stupid bird's fault" Tsunade confesses in an exasperated tone.

* * *

Two figures are standing on the training grounds in front if each other. A gust of wind blows and tousles their hair.

"Are you ready for our next round of competition?" the person in green spandex challenges his yawning opponent. "My magnificent rival!"

"Gai, let's settle this another…" Kakashi drawls in a weary voice.

"Dickless! Dickless!" wafts from the nearby branch to the two jounins.

"Oh! You're so ingenious! I see! You suggest that we should compare our…" Gai guesses enthusiastically.

"Have a nice day!" Kakashi swiftly reacts and disappears within a swirl of leaves.

"... compare our pedagogical skills by teaching parrots talk!" the other finishes, a little bit saddened, but returns his high spirits in a blink. "Yosh! I need to find a bird and teach it how to speak Chinese fluently in one night!"

* * *

The Fire Daimyo has been enjoying his rarely serene afternoon in the royal gardens, fanning himself and humming a sweet melody. All of a sudden a crazy bird lands on his lap, peers at him intently, and cries "Dickless!"

"How did it discover my impotency?" the lord squeals before fainting.

* * *

"This way you will never be able to fulfill your vengeance or restore the Uchiha clan, little brother" Itachi states cooly, gripping Sasuke by the collar. "Pathetic, you're…"

"Dickless! Dickless!" the air carries the insult from above.

* * *

"Brat, I have an important mission for you", Tsunade informs the blond genin. "We've received seventy four complaints and dozens of requests to hunt down a particularly annoying saboteur. The bird must go down! No matter what!" the Hokage commands.

* * *

**Review, pretty please! **


	7. Curiosity Kills Blonds

**T-rated! Beware!**

* * *

**Curiosity Kills Blonds **

**

* * *

**

"Where's the precious white rose of Choji's heart garden?" the ruffled dog expert barks, scarcely dodging a lamb bone, thrown by the indignant Akimichi.

"Does Choji eat flowers now? That's a strange diet", his confused blond table neighbor exclaims and groans after the second bone shell hits the intended target.

"Stop teasing him!" the newcomer sighs and reluctantly explains "Ino's busy, she's having a "only pistils" night together with Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten".

"A what night?" the two males ask in unison, not understanding the flower code, unlike Yamanaka's teammates.

"A hen party", Choji clarifies and plunges his teeth into the next trotter.

"But why did they choose chicken instead of barbeque?" Naruto looks at his companions, perplexed.

"Idiot! Even I'm aware of the "bitch" gatherings!" Kiba rudely answers. "Having a bossy mother and an elder sister, I've always been wondering about the secrets behind the closed kitchen doors. You know, the sacra… sacr… sacramental girl's talk".

"Then, why haven't you asked them, dimwit?" Uzumaki gives him tit for tat. "But… asking is not a solution in some cases" he also thinks to himself, remembering the peripety "Reveal the lower half of Kakashi's face".

"You're actually a double idiot. It's a taboo topic for us, men", Kiba snarls at the naïve ever-genin.

"He… wanted to say… that it's like demanding… from an Akatsuki about the garments… they're wearing under those black and red cloaks" Choji helpfully suggests an already digested analogy, while chewing.

"Ah! That's a good one, Choji" his tall friend comments and tries to digress from the ill direction: "Now let's forget about too troublesome things and enjoy…"

"Wait! I have a brilliant idea", Inuzika interrupts him with a "rabid" glint in his eyes.

"Kiba, I doubt that your idea of a "brilliant idea" is accurate…" Shikamaru yet attempts at quenching a spark of a potential conflagration.

"I challenge the ramen-sucker to discover the truth about these girly covens!" Kiba announces publicly, ignoring the disapproving frown of his superior. "Or are you a scaredy-cat?" he pours oil on the flames, making his infuriated opponent leap up from his spot.

"Naruto! You shouldn't be manipulated by…" the brunet Nara begins…

"Fine! I will! I'll go and find out everything!" the offended side states loudly, hard determination is written all over his face. Choji even tears his mouth from meat and shakes his head. Kiba smirks and pats Akamaru's withers.

"Naruto! You'll definitely land yourself in trouble… " the most sensible of them raises his voice (and he rarely bothers to do that) and adds to sound more persuasive: "… trouble with a capital T ".

"Don't sweat it, Shikamaru. I'm a genius when it comes to stealth" Mr. Confident says and prepares to leave.

"So obstinate! Suit yourself" Shikamaru replies, getting irritated with the whole absurd situation. "But I need to warn you about…"

Naruto doesn't pay attention to his friend's last phrase, already rushing to carry out the shady mission. Then again, he is the type who learns from his personal (quite often painful and embarrassing) experience, not words. And Shikamaru Nara is 99% positive that it'll turn out to be one hell of a lesson.

* * *

"Really? You had to carry Hyuga Neji in your arms, while running twenty laps around Hokage Mountain!" the tow-haired kunoichi squeaks and brushes off the fringe from her right eye.

"I've always known that Gai-sensei can be eccentric when it concerns training methods… " Sakura mumbles, tasting a chocolate cookie.

"I should have foreseen nonsense coming when I agreed to participate in that blasted reunion. Silly me…" Tenten replies with a scowl. "The story behind this horror is even more dreadful. Sakura, that Sai guy is a menace to society…"

"Why? Did he make a stroke with his brush in your picture of disaster?" Ino asks obscurely.

"Yamanaka! How pervert can you be!" Sakura grumbles at her sarcastic friend.

"It's only your projection, forehead!" the blonde mocks and sticks her tongue out.

"Please, don't argue!" Hinata tries to pacify her companions, already tired from their never-ending squabble.

"Cease the fire", the brown-haired weapon master commands and continues with the anecdote, when the girls resort to the cold war of glares: "Sai had lectured Lee on feminism the previous day, and our great Rock passed his special knowledge to our asinine guru. The combination of those two mulling over the sex equality has resulted in the youthful ceremony of "Support the single female in our team". I wouldn't have been able to bear with the humiliation if it weren't even worse for Neji. You should have seen his face…"

"That androcentric prick deserved it!" Ino exclaims. "Sorry, Hinata!"

" He's… he's not that awful", the Hyuga heiress negates, but inwardly she can't help but concur with the fact that her cousin and several other prominent members of Hyuga clan sometimes subconsciously look down on the future leader, despite the hierarchy of birthright.

"Our Hinata is too kind-hearted to blackmail the arrogant ass" Ino observes and the kunoichi in question nervously hides her gaze. All of a sudden the host of the party flinches from an unexpected signal "The chakra alarm system has been triggered by something! Hinata, do us a favor, check that wall, outside the window!"

Immediately Huyga's orbs transform into a pair of mercury pools, she diligently scans the mentioned area with her Byakugan, and blushes…

"It's only Naruto-kun" Hinata reports, fighting her anxiety.

"Naruto!" the other three kunoichi hiss.

"I'll blow the bastard into…" both Sakura and Tenten are ready to execute their threat.

"No! I'm not planning to renovate my room this soon" Ino whispers, holding back the shrews. "Let me handle our uninvited guest. There is a more appropriate punishment than a dozen of bruises and broken limbs. The physical injuries heal too quickly, unlike a psychological trauma. Play along!" she finishes with a sinister grin.

"So! Where were we?" she begins in a purposely loud soprano. "Ah! The Naruto puzzle! I have always been curios about the answer to this problem. If we accept a hypothesis that he compensates his lack of intimate contact by creating a shadow clone and subjecting him to the sex-reversal jutsu, should we regard it as masturbation, heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual relationship? "

Hinata faints because of blood loss, Sakura chokes on her cookie due to the mental images and Tenten seriously tries to contemplate the paradox: "Technically speaking…"

The three girls suddenly hear a crazy scream, followed by a dull flop, in two seconds.

"Ha… ha…ha! He's… so… so sensitive", Yamanaka says between laughs, but noticing the unconscious form of Hyuga in a puddle of blood _("My cream carpet!"_), she sighs and composes herself: "Sakura, can you bring the passion-stricken maiden round? No, wait… let's deal with the annoying trespasser first, then clean up the mess, or my Dad will suspect us of offering sacrifices to Jyashin …"

* * *

The duet has located the unlucky spy two blocks away from the Yamanaka's residence, lifelessly sprawled on the sidewalk and decorated with daffodils in a morbid fashion. The executioners have put the blond's hands on his chest and stripped him almost naked, sparing only the sickly orange underwear.

"I thought so…" the thinner figure points at the "corpse". "Let this be a lesson for every testosterone-driven species!" He reads the threatening neon inscription, painted across the victim's torso.

_"Merciless Amazons! Whatever information he has managed to acquire, the poor lad won't be able to share his findings with anyone else". _

"Holly Fire! Did they…" the second voice, belonging to a bulkier shadow, whispers, alarmed.

"Not likely. He seems to be breathing" the slender one answers. "But he had his ego castrated".

"Do you think that he'll survive?" his partner hesitantly asks, feeling pity for the fallen "brother".

"He's Naruto. And Naruto always survives", the first voice mutters to the second one. Nara Shikamaru sighs, despising the call for an overtime effort. "It could be more troublesome to leave him here, unfortunately. So let's drag this body to his apartment, Choji. I'm sure that he'll recover the usual "optimistic knucklehead" in the morning". He glances once more at the demons' work and corrects his judgment: "Well, not so sure, to be exact, but I believe in Naruto".

* * *

_**The next chapter**: **"Another Story" (Naruto and others)**_.

_Review, pleeeeeeeeease! _


	8. Code Names

_A tiny interlude_

_Kakashi and the three little pig… I mean, genins. I just happen to like this thrilling combination. _

* * *

**Code Names **

* * *

Hatake Kakashi has arrived as always. Late and cooking another half-baked excuse in his head. He has found all of his protégés assembled, coping with the habitual waiting on their respective different levels. Sasuke has been meditating, resorting to a convenient procedure in order to enhance his chakra-control and ignore the "annoying teammates". Sakura has been peering at the river's surface, as if thinking to herself, but… in reality, serene water has proved to be a nice mirror to fawn over her love object's reflection. Because staring directly at someone's face is just too rude… And last but not least (in a way) he notices the blond subordinate, hanging head over heels from the wooden arc of the bridge, with his finger lost in the right nostril.

"Yo!" Kakashi greets them, landing in front of the "emerald-digger". "Naruto, there shouldn't be any ramen left in your nose, unless you have been practicing a new…"

"Kakashi-sensei, when we parted yesterday, we said "Later", not "please, be late for three damn hours!" Sakura screams, displaying their collective feelings and her own additional disappointment: now she has to release herself from her pink dreamy "genjutsu".

"Aaaaah, really?" their leader feigns ignorance without a trace of remorse on his passive face. Suddenly he announces in an almost serious tone "We have a special mission today!"

"A special one? Is it A-ranked?" Naruto jumps down, joining the others, he's obviously blazing with the fire of HOPE and YOUTH.

"Hn…" Uchiha shows the "generous" sign of being an actual living boy and not a monument.

"Well, we are to watch after Wagamama*–sama, Daimyo's nephew", Kakashi bursts his team's bubbles with a cheerful wink.

"Babysitting a brat?" Uzumaki groans and folds his arms.

"Secretly!" Kakashi says and adds after a theatrical pause: "And while following our official target we will be also spying on the Sadaijin*".

"Does it mean that you'll be doing the investigation and we're going as a mere cover?" Sasuke throws in his ever-accurate assumption.

"Bingo, genius!" the Jounin happily wallows in genins' despair. "That is precisely why all of the members need code names. I have decided already on them, by the way. Sakura, you will be called "Green-eyed monster", Naruto… hm… " Blue-eyed demon", it suits you, Sasuke…perhaps, "Red-eyed warlock" would do. Perfect to intimidate our enemies, don't you agree?" he finishes and shivers, surrounded by an eerie atmosphere.

"Then… should we address you as "Silver Cyclops"?" the prodigy is the first to counterattack.

"No, how about "Half-faced sadist"?" his dedicated follower grimly suggests.

"Or, even better… "Porn retard"!" the blond loudly delivers the final blow.

"Fine, know-it-alls!" Kakashi sighs, showing his palms in defeat. "You win, let's forget about imagination and stick to our moderate routine. Now, be sure to meet your humble captain at the northern gates in an hour, Tomato, Cherry, and Noodles".

"No problem, Cold tea! Shake Mr. Clock's hand, when you see It", the trio chimes in chorus, swiftly dispersing in different directions.

_"All that effort! And the only thing they learnt so far is how to unite against the boss, having mastered the teamwork sarcasm technique…" _

* * *

_* means "fretful"_

_* Minister of the Left_


	9. Essays of the Gifted Sprouts

**The Essays of the Gifted Sprouts**

* * *

It is the deepest hour after midnight when Iruka Umino sighs for the twenty sixth time. The treacherous feeling of pedagogical fiasco has already been hovering above his thought-aggravated head for about three hours. The mentor fans off tiredly the sniggering single-eyed avatar who has been nagging in his right ear with the vaguely familiar cynicism. Iruka's despair has reached an entirely new limit, hitherto undiscovered: the shortly cut nails pierce his disheveled hair, which is still miraculously rooted to his scalp while his forehead is playing the part of a woodpecker; those dents actually bring an additional grief to the sitting man for the table top is made of metal. The apology for a teacher can not decide whether he should cry or laugh, in the end he chooses a compromise… sobbing accompanied by trembling.

Let's start, perhaps, with Shikamaru Nara's piece. Its young author is a laz... special boy, indifferent towards the happenings under the skies, possessing some really personal opinion regarding the doctrine of indifference… and a firm position of neutralism. Moreover, a philosophical spark. Maybe. His opus can be defined in a mild manner as an original concept of an ideal shinobi and, well, the deification of the problem-free lifestyle.

"A true ninja should merge with Nature… with the great and unfathomable Dao. That is why the practice of meditating is the most valuable pastime against a general background of all other troublesome fuss. I consider it necessary to constantly meditate, including our lessons. You, Iruka-sensei, criticize my habit, telling me that I supposedly tend to sle (crossed out) doze during class. You should stop wak… (crossed out) disturbing me with the earthly requirements and understand that my only humble wish is to contemplate the Dao without interruptions. Among other things, you seem to be stressed a lot these days so I suggest that you should meditate too… as a means of precautions".

Chouji Akimichi devised a very unique criterion of the perfect warrior. A gastronomic one.

"The art of being a ninja lies in the ability to devour ten packs of the crunchiest chips, preserving complete silence".

Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka. There is a distinct reason why their male peers fabricated a cruel taunting ditty about that duet: "The forehead of rock and blonde pork are competing over… over a dork". The teacher mentally censures the embarrassing phrase. Umino has tried in vain to guess which one of the two girls copied… but the most complicated part of his duty is to accept the alternatively valid logic.

"My ideal shinobi is… S.U. (crossed out), the brilliant man who will see me for my charms and wit and take me (and only me) as his rightful wife. One day. In the nearest future! Absolutely…"

Speaking of the most promising bachelor, when the turn to be impressed by the paper with the neatly signature "Sasuke Uchiha" has come at last, Iruka has risen from the pit of misery. But… he shouldn't have risen that high. Because of the abovementioned metal table top. His hopes have been severely crushed against the cold granite of nihilism.

"Hm… the perfect shinobi is presented by the sculptural ensemble on Hokage Mountain… the main quality is stony imperturbability. The other advantages consist of being dead, silent and not annoying. I think so because the living ninja can never stay stainless. Personally, I will not imitate anyone; I'll lay my own way."

Finally, Iruka retrieves the crumpled scribble from under the stack; the latter belongs to his most outstanding (in so many different aspects) student. "Naruto Uzumaki" is, probably, the solely correctly daubed line of glyphs. Umino's mouth gives birth to the record-breaking slow sigh and the teacher, groaning, begins the decryption of the blots. The ordeal reminds him of the sophisticated game "Wheel of Fortune": the professional dare is to guess the intended word, while basing on one relatively appropriate character.

"My pefect shi… shinopi is 4daime HAKAGE! His name was… is does'nt mater. Everyone caled him HAKAGE or Hero! People respected the man. He defeted a very biiiiiiig many tailed moster! Me too! I will defet all mosters! Become HAKAGE! Proove to Teme that he is Teme... and merry Sakura-chan".

There also has been written a P.S. in bold hiragana at the bottom: "4daime HAKAGE forever!"

Lower, under it, Iruka reads a splendid (suspiciously more grammatically accurate) P.P.S.: "I tried my best, Iruka-sensei! And I want my three portions of ramen."

Umino Iruka lets out a sob and hearkens to the voice of the fluttering advisor: "No matter what we do to them or how we cultivate the offspring, the following generation will always manage to amaze us… " Indeed, Iruka utters the final sigh and admits his setback: their ideals simply strike outright.


	10. Zodiacal Tactics

A piece, featuring random shinobi of different zodiac.

* * *

**Zodiacal tactics**

* * *

If a kunai is thrown at…

_Aries_

He will intentionally lay himself open, waiting for the kunai to change its course.

_Taurus_

Your kunai finally got at him! You can have them back! All twenty!

_Gemini_

Congratulations! You've hit… a shadow clone.

_Cancer_

A careful step backwards and to the side.

_Leo_

He'll dodge by a dozen somersaults and a rollover, then stand still, anticipating a loud ovation.

_Virgo_

A ninja of this particular sign will catch it, start complaining about rust, then add the kunai to his arsenal.

_Libra_

It will take too much time and great pains for this shinobi to choose the right technique. At the last moment, he will catch the offensive object with his teeth and read a lection on non-violence.

_Scorpio_

Be ready. The kunai will pierce the attacker's back.

_Sagittarius_

He'll evade, saying "Hey, you, eternal fumbler!"

_Capricorn_

He has a good ability of extrapolation. Suddenly, a swamp appeared beneath the enemy's feet.

_Aquarius_

Does he seem to look absent-minded? An easy target? Don't be idle and brace yourself. The battle scene will be abandoned with the words: "Your kunai is blunt, same as its owner".

_Pisces_

He will continue standing on one place, imagining that the kunai doesn't exist.


End file.
